Vampire Lessons
by Lamia of the Dark
Summary: Drabble Collection. Crack. Things that definitely happened when Alucard was teaching Seras how to vampire.
1. Aesthetic

**DISCLAIMER: Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.**

~ Vampire Lessons ~

"Now that you're a vampire, it's time to learn Vampire Etiquette."

Seras hadn't known that vampires had a different standard of etiquette than humans, but now that she thought about it, it did make sense. There were bound to be some things vampires did that weren't covered by human social rules, after all.

"The first lesson," Alucard continued, ignoring the strange expression his apprentice was making, "is _always call everyone by their full name every time you meet_."

A few long moments ticked by in silence, before Seras finally managed to get out, "...why?"

"Aesthetic."

~oOo~


	2. You Are My Sunshine

~ Vampire Lessons ~

After looking up _aesthetic_ in the dictionary, Seras soon discovered that most of the so-called "Vampire Etiquette" that her master sought to teach her was just that - all about the aesthetic.

"For today's lesson: fashion!" Alucard said, throwing his arms out to the sides so his coat flapped dramatically behind him.

"Um," Seras piped up hesitantly.

"What is it, my fledgling?"

"Well... I don't know much about fashion, it's true, but... all I have to wear is this uniform. Sir Hellsing told me I have to wear it. And I don't actually have any other clothes anymore..."

"Don't be ridiculous. That uniform is _perfect_ for you. Yellow is absolutely your color, little vampire ray of sunshine~!"

~oOo~


	3. That's a Big No-No

~ Vampire Lessons ~

"Okay, emergency Vampire Etiquette lesson time," Alucard said. "Never, _never_ , NEVER tell a female human that she smells more delicious than usual."

"Why?" Seras asked, nonplussed. "She did."

"Because you basically just announced to everyone in that room that our boss is on the rag."

"I what?" The young vampire's expression changed dramatically once she figured out exactly what that meant. "Oh no... she's gonna kill me..."

"Aww, she's not going to kill you," Alucard reassured his fledgling, patting her on the head. And Seras was relieved, until he continued, "You're a valuable asset to this organization, after all. But do expect a strongly-worded scolding." He paused. "Probably delivered over the phone, considering the situation."

~oOo~


	4. Sharkmouth Is Valid

~ Vampire Lessons ~

"Vampire Etiquette, Lesson Number Five!" Alucard announced.

"What about number four?" Seras asked. Even counting the emergency lesson, she was pretty sure they were only up to four, not five. Unless she'd missed or forgotten one somehow, which seemed unlikley.

"There is no four."

"... why not?"

"There just isn't, that's why. Anyway, on to the lesson: sharkmouthed vampires are just as valid as vampires with elongated canines."

Seras just stared while her master explained all the different possible configurations of vampire teeth.

"Of course, elongated canines are the most popular depiction in human media, but what humans find attractive and what is best for eating them are two different things, indeed."

~oOo~


	5. Watch What You Say

~ Vampire Lessons ~

Integra was not in a good mood, and that was an understatement.

"Tell me," she demanded, in a tone of barely-restrained rage, "why I was called away from an important meeting to _pick up my vampires from the police station?_ "

"Well..." Seras hedged. "I mean..."

"I thought I could trust the two of you to go to the store and pick up a few things! How did that turn out like this?" Integra snapped. "I should have just waited until Walter was back from his mission and sent him."

"She called me 'Master' in public, some assholes assumed that meant it was alright for them to sexually harass my fledgling, we broke a few jaws..." Alucard trailed off with a shrug.

"That was on the way back from the store, though," Seras piped up. "Don't worry, we got your tampons!"

~oOo~


	6. Hierarchy

~ Vampire Lessons ~

"Seras Victoria, my dear fledgling, for today's lesson... who is your master?"

Seras thought for a moment, wondering if it was a trick question before she answered, "You are."

"Yes, _I_ am!" Alucard replied, placing more emphasis on his own identity than Seras felt was strictly necessary. "And who is _my_ master?"

"Master's master is Sir Hellsing."

"Precisely. And you know what that means, don't you?"

When Seras just gave him a blank look in return, Alucard sighed heavily and reached into his coat pocket for a blood pack. He was going to need fortification before this conversation continued.

After slurping down his snack, he laid his hands on his fledgling's shoulders and said sternly, "Look, kid... as you master, your behavior reflects on me and I just really need you to stop doing things that are going to make Integra mad at me."

"Yes, master," Seras replied, cringing a bit.

"I mean it. As if it's not difficult enough for her, living with two vampires when _that time of the month_ rolls around, you've been incredibly tactless about it and publicly humiliated her not once but _twice_."

"I'm sorry!"

"I'm glad to hear that you're sorry, but it's been decided that you're going help Walter clean all the toilets in the mansion this week as penance for your behavior. Hopefully that will help you learn to mind your mouth in the future."

~oOo~


	7. Always Finish Your Food

~ Vampire Lessons ~

"Today's lesson is _always finish your food_. Or else it might come back and bite you on the ass." Alucard paused. "Literally."

"Literally?" Seras repeated. How would a bag of blood literally bite her, though?

"Because it would be a ghoul," Alucard elaborated. "You don't want to make ghouls, do you, Seras?"

"Of course not!"

"Good, I'm glad we're clear on that."

There was one thing she was still confused about, though.

"But wait, why would a ghoul bite me if I was the one who made it? Aren't ghouls subservient to their vampire master's will?"

"Yes, they are, but unfortunately they're also fairly mindless and will try to eat anything that moves if the master doesn't have a strong enough mental hold over them." After a brief pause, he added, "They don't make good servants. It's a poor investment of resources. Also my master has forbidden any ghouls from being created or kept in the manor, and of course that rule applies to you as well as me."

"Master... I wasn't planning on drinking from actual living people anyway..."

~oOo~


	8. Rules For Dating Humans

~ Vampire Lessons ~

"Um... Master..." Seras began hesitantly. "Are there any other important vampire things that I need to know about?"

"Not really," Alucard replied with a shrug. "You've got the basics down now, although there will be more to learn once you start drinking blood." After a brief pause, he added, "You can unlock and level up a bunch of cool abilities then." A slightly longer and more awkward pause this time. "No pressure, though. Wait until you're ready."

"Oh... okay. But, like... are there rules about things like, for example... dating humans?"

"Always remember the difference in your strength, and be careful not to bite them if you want to keep them alive."

"What, that's it?" Seras asked, nonplussed. "Like... 'definitely don't date humans' isn't a rule?"

"No. Although if that one-eyed asshole is bothering you, you can tell him it is one. We don't have any rules against lying."

"Eh? No, he's not bothering me!" If there had been any blood in her body, Seras would have blushed. Shyly, she admitted, "I like him."

"... and if he breaks your heart, I'm going to eat him."

~oOo~


End file.
